Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
All I want is dick and wine.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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