I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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