Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
