im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
