Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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