Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
