I queefed so loud it echoed.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
