I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
