I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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