I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Randomize
