I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
