Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
