Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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