Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
