I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Life is so much better after having sex.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
