I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
