so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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