did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
