My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
