Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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