it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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