My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
