He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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