I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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