My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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