God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
