Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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