Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
