he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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