Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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