i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
