I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
