some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
