this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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