how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
