I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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