dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
