Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
