the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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