I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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