i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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