I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
