was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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