Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
