Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
