you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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