I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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