you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
