If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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