these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
