We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
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who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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