So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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