To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
