saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
