I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
