My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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