Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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