He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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