I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
