Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
