explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
